Now I love a good kitchen appliance as much as the next woman, I like them all the better if they mean I don't have to be in the kitchen loving them ALL THE TIME. Unfortunately the terms of the Morphy Richards Innovators challenge is to share either Top Tips for Housework *guffaws,* Making Family Chores Fun *snort* and Domestic Disasters .... of which there are too many to count and I still bear the scars from that hot oil incident 12 years ago, thank you very much *wipes brow.*
So, in the face of this challenge, I offer you My Top Tips for Housework because EVERYBODY knows Making Family Chores Fun is just something that happens in Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons.*Tuts.*
MY TOP TIPS FOR HOUSEWORK
(Tried and Tested Over Sixteen Years)
1: Read instead:
Read books, magazines, newspapers, adverts and cereal boxes. Some of the best advice concerning housework has come from things I've read. For example the phrase: "Cleaning the house while children are growing is like shovelling show while it's still snowing" which was written on a fridge magnet.
(I would at this point have a picture of the fridge magnet, but it WAS on the fridge and then it wasn't and now I don't know where it's gone *looks around vaguely*)
But there ARE these equally profound magnets with equally valid messages:
|And this one...|
And as an extra bonus, the reading of cereal packets can be done WHILST moving said packets from table to cupboard after breakfast so you ACTUALLY looked like you cleared away to distract any suspicious spouses who are running their fingers along the picture rails of an evening...
"But darling, I did clear the breakfast things." *dramatic sweep of arm*
(Please note: the Dramatic Arm Sweep is designed to attract attention to the clearness of the table and not the crumbiness of the floor. Please check your angle of sweep).
2. Have children.
Have quite a few children and space them four or five years apart. *Nods wisely* It takes patience, careful nurturing and occasional threatening to with-hold their pocket money but EVENTUALLY you WILL end up with someone totally capable of loading a washing machine or hoovering a floor and dusting a shelf.
AND if you space them a few years apart at just about that point when the eldest is getting independently minded enough to throw the washing up into the sink from 5 yards, the younger one is just longing to be able to plunge their hands into the suddy bubbles. *makes an And-here's-one-I-prepared-earlier gesture.*
3. Explore History.
And give the housework a back story. Children are sooo much easier to co-erce into unpleasant housework tasks if you can sit back while they do it and share your own treasured memories of slaving over YOUR mother's housework tasks when you were young. It gives them a sense of belonging (or something):
"AND your Grandma made me brush down the stairs EVERY WEEK. Never did me any harm." *sip long cool drink* *point* "You've missed a bit."
(Note: Doesn't necessarily have to be true).
4: Quote great literature.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," They say and for once They are right. They are also right when they say: "If you can't see it, it doesn't hurt you."
If you wear glasses. Take them off.
If you don't. Find some to wear.
It's remarkable how much of a stuff you can fail to give about dust if you don't notice it's there.
NEVER invite anyone at all to your home OR if anyone shows the remotest interest or unhealthy curiousity in your shambolically untidy house (which OBVIOUSLY is just arty and, ahem, lived in) you can use the tried and tested "I'm sorry, we're soooo busy renovating the house at the moment" and fluff a bag of flour (preferably wholemeal for verisimilitude) under their nose in a Dust Confusion Episode (Warning: MAY require specialist training).
So, I'm sure we all agree, these are both excellent and thoroughly appropriate housewifely tips and Morphy Richards are probably gagging at the mere prospect of enlisting me as one of their Innovators.
Disclaimer: Mothers and Mother-in-Laws will completely rumble you. Yeah, sorry about that.