Sunday, 17 March 2013

Five Things Everyone Should Know About Owning a Teenage Girl.

It's known as "adolescence" but I prefer to call it "A Phase" and accompany it with much eye rolling. It's those years between 13 and 19 when you suddenly become host to an alien visitation known as The Teenager.

I've not, yet, dealt with the male of the species but I look at The Boy, an adorable, enthusiastic, smiling six year old and fear the days to come. Though I have it on good authority* that if you do have a Teenager of the male variety, basically all you need to know is:

A) NEVER enter their room unannounced and/or without a peg on your nose.
B) Occasionally hose them down.

The Teenage Girl on the other hand should come with a manual. In three parts. And indexes, appendices, references and a safety warning in large letters. Unfortunately they don't, so here are just a few tips to get you through the tricky teenage years. *Gibbers slightly*

Some Teenage Girls I made earlier.
1) Build another bathroom.
Bathrooms are to Teenage Girls what temples are to religious zealots. They're rarely out of them and occasionally it looks like there's been a sacrifice. But be still your beating heart, that hirsute bath and the splatterings of blood are just the remains of the ancient sacrament known as The Shaving of the Legs. 
Oh and that cry of "OH GOD" ? That's just a father discovering that his razors have started getting pretty blunt, pretty quick. *Sniggers*

2) Never open a cupboard or drawer in a Teenage Girl's bedroom. EVER.
Because like an over-enthusiastic Jack in the Box the contents WILL spring at you so stuffed with stuff have they been. Though what they've been so explosively packed with remains a mystery as all Teenage Girls claim they have "literally" nothing to wear. 
They will use the word "literally" like a threat. Take it as a threat. It is a threat.

3) Never attempt to change a Teenage Girl's bed sheets.
No, it is NOT the Turin Shroud. That's a liberal over-application of fake tan that is. *Tuts*

4) Do not, under any circumstances, question their choices.
A Teenage Girl can hold a grudge like Atlas holds the world. It might take a day, a week, a month or a lifetime but some day, one day, when you're least expecting it, they WILL get their revenge and you WILL be sorry. As well as mortified, traumatised and, yes, slightly baffled because ALL you said was "Those eyebrows? Are you sure?"

There is NOTHING more resilient that a Teenage Girl. They ARE trainee women after all and the Teenage Years are the ones spent in the trenches learning their way. Maybe you should just stick with being afraid. VERY AFRAID.

*Moves behind the sofa*
*Stays there*



  1. When the boy gets to teenage he may be very non communicative - like Kevin from the TV comedy - you may just need to keep an eye out for if he has problems as you may be the last person he tells or more likely doesn't tell - they are not all like that - we had one of each - there are no rules or manuals for them either - and, of course, they also don't like you being too fussy or over protective - so just build a good solid relationship while they are children and happy and co-operative - enjoy and good luck :-)

  2. *nodding vigorously* I have a just 13yo girl, the eyebrow bit made me snort out loud! I've got 16yo (nearly 17) and 15yo boys too and they have been fairly simple souls. They do mutter really indistinctly and when I ask them to speak up a bit they yell at me as if I need an ear trumpet but otherwise not too bad. We've kept talking through it all which helps and I don't let them leave an argument unresolved which is annoying for them in the short run but reaps rewards in the long. The only thing which really keeps us all sane is the 7yo, goodness knows what we're going to do when he hits the teen years! Oh...and if you have a teen girl locking up your make up becomes a bit essential if you don't want to be applying a mushy mess to your face first thing in the morning where she has been having a bit of a 'borrow'.

  3. Great post - I have a thirteen year old boy and enjoyed the contrast - we use the peg technique and certainly have no problem with gaining access to our bathroom!

  4. This made me laugh but also scared me a little! Thanks for the advice; I'll save it for 11 years' time.


Thank you very much for commenting, if you want to chat some more find me on Twitter or Facebook :)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...