Stomp, stomp, stomp. A large BOOM rents the air. Our correspondent sticks her head out from where she has been clearly sheltering. ....
"Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once: We are in a state of war.
Alright, the enemy is, to all intents and purposes, a 12 year old girl but you should NEVER underestimate a 12 year old girl. The Tweenager is fighting for her independence with the fervour of a zealot.
I, as a veteran of earlier campaigns (TeenTwin I and TeenTwin II), can be sure that the current policy of sulking, floor-stomping and door-slamming are just initial skirmishes at the start of the long battle ahead. The Tweenager is assessing her opponents, she's judging our strengths and our weaknesses and preparing to mount tactical assaults when we are at our weakest point..... (after three glasses of wine on a Friday night or in the middle of a particularly gripping bit of the Great British Bake Off)..... And so we must remain ever vigilant, one lapse in concentration and she'll be painting her bedroom walls black before we can muster even a token defence.
The Tweenager has been consistently scornful and frequently in breach of the rules and regulations laid down in the House Constitution which bodes ill for reaching a peaceful accord in the immediate future. And frankly until she does repatriate the towels to the bathroom, her clothes to the drawers and the cups to the kitchen, we can see no end to current hostilities at this moment in time. Sadly.
We are, of course, always open to gathering all factions around the table to negotiate a peace treaty, but The Tweenager makes undiplomatic comments about the cooking. *Rolls eyes*
Nevertheless we will move forward towards our ultimate goal of restoring peace and unity by imposing sanctions and embargoes, as ratified by the United Nations of Mother Knows Best, until such a time we judge The Tweenager capable of satisfactory self-governance.
This is A Quirky Kook reporting on the behalf of mother's everywhere on the eve of the Battle of Growing Up. Now back to the studio....."