I have, this week, been on a school trip. I know, I know. I really should know better by now but The Boy used all his wiles from telling the teacher I was volunteering anyway, to threatening to fall into a pond and drown if I didn't.
This was no idle threat for the Class 3 trip was to a local RSPB nature reserve where there would be pond-dipping. I had to look up what pond-dipping was. It isn't, sadly, dipping a bottle of wine into a pond to cool during a romantic country picnic.
No. Pond-dipping is netting the pond life out of a pond, looking at the pond life and then throwing the pond life back in said pond while learning what a fascinating plethora of ugly, horrible, skin-crawl-inducing creatures inhabit our waters. Highly educational indeed. I learned, for example, never, ever to anywhere near a pond again. *Shudders*
The trip proved to be even more educational than that though...
Things I Did Learn On The School Trip.
1: Daddies can go on school trips.
Something that has never happened on any school trip, as pupil or parent, I've ever been on, until this school trip. I like it. It should be encouraged. I will certainly be encouraging The Man to put his name down the next time the opportunity crops up. I'm even going to get a pair of earplugs ... "YOU THINK I SHOULD DO WHAT?... and a wall to hide behind when I do though.
2: Health and Safety regulations are ridiculous.
When 30 seven and eight year olds want to go into a playground and can't, because there hasn't been a risk assessment? That is a health and safety hazard. Just saying.
3: Fizzy drinks can kill
Me, of shame. My packed lunch included a bottle of orange Lucozade. An item that is entirely necessary for a 49 year old woman on a school trip, on a hot day, when there's neither gin nor wine available. I got it out of my bag and a myriad children shrieked: "Miss, Miss SHE'S got fizzy pop. " I could have unveiled a Kalishnikov and got a more positive reaction. I put my Lucozade away.
Turns out there was tea. Didn't get any of that either. (See below)
4: Frogs are really teeny, teeny tiny when they're little. They also don't care where they hop. *Scrapes small frog off sole of shoe*
5: If you put a big stick in a field with a child, that child will find the big stick and hit things with it. But if you put four big sticks in a field with 15 children, somebody will get hurt.
6: YOU SHOULD NEVER FEED BREAD TO DUCKS... I knew this already, but it bears repeating.
7: Swans are cool.
8: Some people shouldn't be allowed near a school trip.
I might have thought, before the school trip, that that should have been me but rather surprisingly it turned out to be the people leading the school trip.
Our guides, supplied by the RSPB nature reserve for our visit, were intolerant, impatient, harrying and hectoring.
"Do this. Do that. Do it now. YOU'RE NOT DOING IT QUICK ENOUGH !"
Like the soundtrack to a bad German porn movie with extra added rudeness, they were very, very 1970s. They reminded me of Mr Smith, my old school's swimming teacher, but at least Mr Smith was fair: he hated all his pupils with a passion yet had the decency to despise his pupils for nearly a term before booting them into the shallow end and bruising their hip bones. (see below)
Our RSPB Nature Reserve guides didn't have the time to get to know the individual members of Class 3 at all, but apparently despised them all regardless of personality, ability or attitude anyway. Which was nice.
9: I used to work with my son's teacher's father when my son's teacher was a child. This makes me feel really, really old
10: I don't like sick buckets.
See below 1: I feel it is incumbent on me to say The Boy does not drink fizzy drinks, never has though maybe he will eventually.We don't keep bottles of fizzy drink in the house either, mainly because they take up valuable fridge room that could be used to chill wine.
He's never been to a McDonalds either. #justsaying
See below 2: Not* that I'm bitter or traumatised or anything. *I am