Thursday, 29 January 2015

Spot the Teenager: 13 Signs of Impending Doom

Unlike Harry Enfield's Kevin, real life teenagers don't just turn into inarticulate zombies overnight. They have to work at it.

They begin with their baby steps and work up to becoming fully fledged teenagers. They have to spend time perfecting the slack-jawed stare of scorn, practising temperamental flouncing and mastering a grunt that can only be understood by their peers. Obviously.

This is a cut out and keep* guide to the early symptoms signs of impending doom teenager-ness giving you a heads up so you won't be shaken to your very foundations when IT finally happens to your own little darling.

And when I say: 'Shaken to your foundations,' I mean house foundations, and I mean it literally because if there is one thing teenagers really, really excel at it is slamming doors hard enough to make the earth shatter and window-rattling, stair-bending stomping ....

1: Your daughter suddenly looks like she's grown an extra three inches taller overnight but still appears to be the same height. She will have rolled her school skirt waistband over.

2: She will claim this is an accident. She will be lying.

3: You continually have to tell your son to pull his trousers up.

4: The grubby child you know and love doesn't need nagging to take a shower, they need nagging to get out of the damn thing.

5: You start to forget what the inside of the bathroom looks like....

6: But it doesn't matter anyway. It's unrecognisable and full of products that make promises they aren't keeping if what eventually emerges from the bathroom is any indication.

7: Your daughter's eyebrows look like they've undergone some kind of trauma or. worse still, fallen off. Her face becomes a startlingly different colour from her neck.

8: They say: 'Everyone else is/ can/ has/ does....'  as if it really matters what other people do.

9: But you're just grateful that they've spoken to you at all.

10: They won't wear anything unless it has a hood.

11: Unless it's a coat, and they won't wear that at all.

12: You begin to worry you're invisible...

13: But you're strangely comforted that they roll their eyes ...



Time. speak. So you keep on speaking, but they call it nagging and roll their eyes still, and some more.  So you don't stop speaking and they roll their eyes... So you speak again and...

Repeat for the next five years.

Danger Teenagers Ahead

*1. Press print
  2. Get scissors.

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