But I've seen the 36 questions in, um, question. They include such incisive gems as: 'Would you like to be famous and in what way?' 'Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die' 'What does friendship mean to you' and 'How do you feel about your relationship with your mother.'
There's no way on this planet, or any other, that I would base the choosing of a life partner on whether or not they want to go on X Factor or the wrenching guilt they feel because their mum still washes their smalls.
Choosing a life partner is serious stuff. Namby-pambying around sharing each other's most embarrassing moments or happy childhoods doesn't get to the essential nitty gritty of what really makes you want to share your life with that someone.
And so, helpfully I have devised my own 36 questions to divine if that person is the one special person you should spend the rest of eternity
The REAL 36 Questions to Ask Before Falling in Love
1: Toilet seats: Up or down upon departure?
2: Do you snore?
3: Do you mind if I snore?
4: Can you cook at least three different meals from scratch?
5: Would you interrupt a TV programme I was watching in to tell me something or would you wait until the ad break?
6: There are strange noises downstairs in the middle of the night. Would you
A: Fearlessly go investigate?
B: Send me to investigate?
C: Hide in the wardrobe?
7: Are 'trumps' something to be:
A: Revelled in, celebrated and shared?
B: Surreptitiously wafted away and politely ignored?
8: Used and empty boxes/packets/ jars/ bottles: In the bin or back on the shelf?
9: If I were to do something hugely embarrassing but unwittingly hilarious. Would you
A: Share it on social media immediately. With photos and video footage.
B: Maintain a dignified silence in public but never stop taking the piss in private.
C: Never mention it again?
10: If Robbie Williams asked me on a date, would you let me go?
11: Dirty pants? Bedroom floor or washing basket?
12: Do you play the guitar?
13: If I asked you how I looked before going out, would you:
A: Not really look and say: 'You always look gorgeous to me'?
B: Actually look and say what I want you to say?
C: Really look and say what you actually think?
14: My best friend is having a hard time with her boyfriend and is visiting us. Would you:
A: Be sympathetic, understanding and supportive (so she's really jealous)?
B: Run off to the pub with your mates?
C: Run off with my best friend?
15: Toast in bed in the morning? Yes or no.
16: Cheese before bedtime? Yes or no
17: Can you find your own keys?
18: You have a minor illness. Are you going to be:
A: Stoical, self-medicating and brave.
B: A tragedy queen of epic proportions.
C: Just like a man (see B).
19: Justin Bieber: Bit of a lad or devil incarnate?
20: It's Election night and the Conservative, Labour and UKIP candidates walk into the pub. Who do you throw a drink over first?
21: Toothpaste: Squeeze from the bottom or from the top?
22: Does a hug always lead to sex?
23: Beards: Yes or no?
24: Budgie smugglers?
25: Have any of your previous partners died under suspicious circumstances?
26: You have something you really want to do but it clashes with my mother's birthday party. Do you choose to:
27: It's Christmas, you have to buy me a present, Do you:
A: Panic and buy everything and anything?
B: Panic and buy nothing?
C: Buy something small and meaningful. And small?
D: Pass me your credit card?
28: Socks. The last thing you take off or the first?
29: You're drunk. It's late, dark, and you want a wee: Wardrobe or bathroom?
30: Trifle: Yes or no?
31: You will thoroughly abide by the rules that I lay down: Yes or no?
32: Should you keep eggs in the fridge?
33: Would you give me your last Rolo?
34: I say: 'It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses.' You say?
35: Do you promise to put the milk back in the fridge for ever more?
36: Do you love me? Will you love me forever? Do you need me? Will you never leave me? Will you make me so happy For the rest of my life? Will you take me away And will you make me your wife?
*Waits for wedding invitations*
Disclaimer Re question no36: Meatloaf has neither endorsed or encouraged this post