Once your teenage daughter starts dating, it's a knuckle clenching rollercoaster of emotions. And not just for her.
From the first moment your daughter starts to take an interest in the opposite sex, about the time you notice a boy's name recurring at least three or four times in every sentence they utter, you become little more than a helpless bystander.
There will be times when you despair at her choice of partner. There will be times when you'll be more broken-hearted over a break-up than she is. There will be times when you tell outrageous lies to a teenage boy just about to be stood up or let down. There will be times when you wonder what the hell she sees in him. There may be times when you end up wrestling an unusually persistent suitor out of your kitchen door.
But one thing is for sure, over the course of her active dating life, you will be told often and repeatedly: 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.' Though you do.
Of all the things I understand about love and life, what not to look for in a soulmate is my specialist subject. So for the benefit of daughters everywhere, the definitive guide to the frogs who will never turn into princes no matter how many times you kiss them ...
The Ones Not to Fall in Love With ..
2: The one who leaves his socks on until last.
3: The one who leaves his socks on all the time.
4: The one with a Captain Caveman beard.
5: The one who presents you with an all-clear from the STI clinic on the first date.
6: The one who still buys comics.
7: The one who has more eyeliner than you do.
8: The one with a fully working Hornby railway set up in his loft.
9: The one who farts on you.
10: The one who takes you on a dinner date to McDonalds.
11: The one who always claims his drink has been spiked.
12: The one who can only cook chips.
13: The one who will only eat eggs.
14: The one with baggy grey y-fronts.
15: The one who keeps getting off with your best friend.
16: The one who compares your cooking to his mother's cooking. Every. Single. Time.
17: The one who takes you on a police chase.
18: The one who doesn't know what soap is.
19: The one with a fiancee.
20: Or a wife.
21: The one who has a conspiracy theory.
22: The one with a shrine to the memory of his dead mother.
23: The one with a crack habit.
24: The guitarist.
25: The singer.