Sunday, 24 January 2016

How To Win At The School Run

Once your child enters the education system you, the parent, will be required to daily deliver and pick up said child to and from it's place of learning.

At first you might even think meeting other parents waiting at the school gate  is a chance to make new friends and enjoy a bit of adult interaction.

You would, of course, be wrong.

Parents, regardless of their usual demeanour, exhibit all the charm of Donald Trump combined with the social skills of Katie Hopkins once at the school gate. Couple that with a competitive edge that would make Paula Radcliffe look like she wasn't trying and the school run becomes fraught with dangers for the unwary beginner.

Luckily for you, if not for me, a lack of forethought about timing and pregnancies means I've been doing the same school run to the same primary school for 16 years now. There's actually a groove worn into the pavement because I've been back and forth over the same route so many, many times.

Oh and I still have another 18 months before The Boy moves onto secondary school when I will be expecting a commemorative bench in the playground to mark my years of service if nothing else.

All that time to-ing and fro-ing does mean that I've a highly developed sense of survival when it comes to the school run. Just follow these tips and you too could avoid any unpleasantness .....Or screaming rows........Or fist fights.......Or wrestling three other mothers in the mud of the playground...

1: Don't make eye contact with anyone...... If necessary carry a pair of shades at all times and they'll just assume you're hungover and not want to talk to you anyway.

2: Talk to nobody.

3: If someone tries to talk to you, grab your phone as if you've a suddenly important call you really have to take absolutely immediately.

4: Promise nothing to anyone

5: ........But just to be on the safe side, always have an excuse ready for when someone asks you to join the PTA/ help out at coffee morning/ sell raffle tickets/ bake for the cake sale. Do not be afraid to invent a sudden death in the family.

6: Don't, under any circumstances, hand out party invitations to half the class in front of the rest of the class mothers. This is very, very important.

Finally if all else fails and you can't avoid being up to your armpits in playdates, bun-making or mud wrestling with other mothers ....

7: Be late. Every. Single. Day...... And tell your children that they're not really late. Oh no; They're just making an entrance.


Dedicated to Marie, Zoe, and Karen who made the school run fun once upon a time  :)

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