Sunday, 18 September 2016

Parenting Firsts: The Ones They Don't Warn You About.

The first few years of a child's life are marked in a series of milestone firsts ... the first tooth, first word, first steps, first day at school. But parenting firsts don't stop there, as your child grows into a teenager and, lo, in adulthood there will be many more firsts.

Those firsts they don't warn you about in the parenting manuals....


There's the first date, when you can't get into the bathroom for a good eight hours before their date and when you do, can't breathe for the overwhelming fug of Impulse/ Lynx left behind.

Where you think you're being really laid back and cool when meeting said date, but you might as well have strapped them to a chair, shone a light in their eyes and got out the dental instruments the way they hurtle out of the door.

When you idly start googling hired assassins if they're one minute later than curfew.

When you casually ask what the date's parents do and where they live. And have to casually ask 576 times before getting the response: 'Dunno.'

There's the first time they come home drunk when you can't get into the bathroom because they're spread eagled face down across the floor sleeping like the baby they never slept like when they were actually babies.

There's the vomit, the wasted towels, the wrestling into the shower, and the strong coffee mornings that start at 3am, damply.

Like night follows day, the morning after follows the night before with their first hangover when you just must brightly clatter, clang and vacuum your way around the house even if it's the first time in living memory you've done any housework.

Don't forget to be relentlessly cheerful while, with sincere concern, asking if anything's the matter. Every. Three. Minutes.

Their first festival. When you spend some weeks and all the money equipping them with tents, camping gear, wellies, enough food to feed an army, and emergency everything only to get a phone call at 4am on the first morning asking you to pick them up. Because it rained.

And, of course, their first broken heart, which in turn breaks yours.

When all you feel is helplessness and their hurt. When you tread carefully in case you tread on their dreams.

When you spend all day listening to their tears and the nights idly googling yet more hired assassins.

When all you want to do is kiss it better, just one more time.

When, if you're sensible, you fill the freezer with ice cream (for them) and the fridge with wine (for you).


My-First-Hangover-milestone-baby-card
The My First milestone cards you really need

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