Thursday, 24 November 2016

Parenting A Teenager, The Survival Guide.

It's an experience, parenting a teenager.

The kind of experience they try to sell at Halloween with a hefty price tag that involves screaming, shrieking, and a lot of horror.  But unlike Halloween, it goes on ...and on.... and on.... for years.

As a parent you should prepare yourself the very best you can to survive your little darling's most 'challenging' years, and I don't just mean by bracing yourself and hoping for the best. When I say prepare, I mean prepare. Like Ironman.


Develop a hard outer shell, a carapace to withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous accusations that will now form part of your daily familial interaction.

'Everyone else has got one'....POW. 'Everyone else is going'....'BOOM. 'You don't understand me'.....KAPOW

And while you're at it, get an extra covering over your heart to harden it for when your teen attempts to manipulate you with kindness and love. Because they will.

They most definitely will.

And they won't mean it.

Be warned, anything starting with an elongated sound (for example 'Muuuuuuum' or 'Daaaaaaad') indicates an attempt at emotional manipulation which will in no doubt either a) cost you money or b) end in trying to locate one's drunk offspring mooching along an A road in three layers of mud at 5am on a Sunday morning.

Exercise the art of selective deafness: There are battles to fight, but they should be chosen wisely. Starting a war for every under-the-breath-utterance muttered stomping up the stairs will deplete your resources and generally result in an undignified fracas based on an eye roll from three days ago.

Because you need to be strong, or at least parts of you do.

A strong stomach is required to brave a teen bedroom; smeared plates festering under the bed, lifeforms evolving in mouldering cups of cold tea, and socks. 

Oh lord, the socks.

Though stronger still should be your bladder, for the bathroom becomes nothing more than an occasionally accessed lush oasis; full of steam, glitter, tidemarks, odd stains. and damp towels splayed across the floor as traps for the unwary, in-a-hurry, desperately leg-twisting, parent.

Bladders aren't the only thing to control, olfactory senses should be shut down for the duration of teenagerhood, because the socks ... oh Lord, the socks..... are not the worst of it.

Any synthetic smell in an aerosol that can be sprayed willy nilly and too much, will be sprayed willy nilly and too much, Investing in a World War II gas mask would be just the thing, if only the over perfumed teen didn't consider it to be taking the piss which would never do

Teens are not famed for their sense of humour which is ironic considering some of the stuff they choose to wear or the time of the year they choose to wear it. A blisteringly hot summer day and they'll be bundled up in a hoody, thick black tights and boots but when it's six foot deep with snow, they'll quite happily leave the house in a t-shirt.

If you wear glasses? Stop wearing them. If you don't need them? Invest in a pair, ones that make your vision super blurry. Maybe add rose-tinted lenses. At least then you can look your Teen in the face without blurting out: 'What have you done to your face/ hair/ eyebrows' in abject horror every time they enter the room.

It's alright though, teens won't be communicating with you in actual, understandable words much anymore. Instead they utilise a range of grunts, sighs, and abbreviations with occasional flurries of a teen patois most of which you'll need to employ the Urban Dictionary to understand.

Develop a poker face.

Always wear your poker face.

And if all else fails, don't despair. Invest in a wind turbine to harness the power of the teenager's sighs and save a small fortune which you can then use to keep your teen in eyeliners, video games, energy drinks and McDonalds.


Parenting-Teens-Survival-Guide
Teen communicates with world.





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