Friday, 22 July 2011

We're All Going On A Summer Holiday....

ALTHOUGH we're not. We're going in October because it's cheaper for a family of six. So that's five long weeks at home with the kids, five weeks. *Sobs a little*

To be sure of survival and continual sanity it's essential to ready yourself for the summer experience, the mental preparation is vital. In this house that mostly means making sure there's a plentiful supply of gin to fall in of an evening (though to be fair this is generally a year round thing. In honour of summer, I might add an ice cube).

Children neither sleep nor eat properly during the summer holidays, they go to bed at inappropriate times with chocolate smeared faces and dusty feet because somehow there's suddenly not enough hours in the elongated days to fit boring things like meals and baths into. Don't worry about it.

Don't worry if, when the sun shines, your offspring spend dawn to dusk shrieking like banshees in the garden. Keep the windows shut so you can't hear them and try not to catch the eye of any disapproving neighbours if you have to leave the house.

Don't worry if, when it rains (which it will), you can't interest your children in craft-making or bun-making or advanced trigonometry. They can watch television or play computer games all day instead, it's what they were invented for.

And don't worry if your home looks like a cross between an explosion at Hamleys and the last days of Pompeii. The wisest thing I ever read about parenting was on a fridge magnet, it said: "Cleaning the house while children are growing is like shovelling snow while it's still snowing." This is true.

Most importantly (almost as important as plenty of gin): Tell Them Nothing. Maintain a mysterious silence with children about all plans, projects and entertainments for the summer break  - unless of course you LIKE a constant barrage of "Mummy, when are we going penguin wrestling, Mummy? When? Mummy When?" morning, noon, night and at ill-timed moments in the early hours.

Gin bottles at the ready ladies and good luck out there.*Glugs.*

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