Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Let's (Not) Talk About Sex, Baby

IN those heady, hazy days of imagining what your own particular style of parenting might be - ie before actually having children - you might make promises to yourself. They might range from never shouting at or slapping your child, never letting them near an e-number, rationing TV to 15 minutes a day or never, ever buying them a Barbie.

Of course within thirty seconds of actually giving birth you realise parenting is basically a juggling act of panic, fear and tears. Oh, and then your mother buys the damn kid a Barbie anyway.

But I did make a promise to myself that, so far, I have kept: "We shall be open about things," I promised myself, "We shall talk about sex, relationships and such stuff." To be fair though this has probably been down to the fact that right up until about now S.E.X. has not been a particular factor in the kid's lives.

But the twins are very nearly 16 and sex is not so much rearing it's head as rampaging through the school corridors shouting "Get it here" while pounding it's adolescent and no doubt spotty chest.

And though my daughters will and do talk to me about their own lives quite sensibly like I WANTED. They also come home bursting with the far more salacious tales of the exploits of their fellow Year 11s which was, um, unexpected.

Effectively this means, unintentionally, I'm aware of the intimate doings of a broad spectrum of 15 and 16 year old girls, boys and the apparently undecided. Some of whose parents I know quite well.

There is quite a large amount of urgh factor involved in this. I mean who wants to know Teen A and Teen Z, who don't even like each other *expressive shrug*  have been at it for months and months and months and NEVER EVEN TOLD ANYONE.

Or that the entire Chemistry lab was brought to a standstill by one particular experiment where the shaking of test tubes was entirely similar to the motion of w*nking ......which was just "HILARIOUS and we all went, like, O.M.G. Epic."

Or that rather than having *whisper* full intercourse, teen G and teen F are only doing *explicit hand gesture* and *explicit hand gesture.*  (Yeah, that talking about sex thing? Sometimes only a hand gesture will do).

So having established the Darling, You Can Talk To Me About Anything method of parenting, I'm rather inexpertly trying to establish the Darling, You Can Talk To Me About Anything But method

*Sticks fingers in ears and says LA, LA, LA, LA, LA*

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