Saturday, 19 July 2014

Surviving The School Summer Holidays, An Essential Guide.

Spending a whole six weeks with the same group of people is a challenge and it's even worse when you've given birth to those people, because you have no one else to blame but yourself. So when the school holidays hove into view you should prepare yourself with some essentials to aid survival...

1: Gin
Lots and lots and lots of gin. For you, not for them.

2: Wine
Because it's frowned upon to drink gin before teatime but perfectly permissible to glug down a bottle of wine for lunch.

3: Earplugs.
To drown out their incessant moaning about being bored and having nothing to do, despite their possessing the equivalent of three toy shops and an electronics store.

4: A List of Chores
So you can give them something to do when they're moaning about being bored and having nothing to do. It's remarkable how soon they will find something to entertain themselves with if you say the bathroom tiles could do with a wipe down.

5: A List of Fun Family Activities.
That they will refuse to do, take part in or enjoy, but at least you'll feel like you made an effort.

6: Doting Grandparents.
So you can dump them with them in the sure knowledge they will never tell anyone what absolute horrors you've given birth to.

7: A Profanity Filter.
Because you don't  *bleep* want them learning more new words in the *bleep* summer than they did in the entire *bleep* school year.

8: Throat Sweets.
For when you've bleeped yourself hoarse.

9: The Patience of a Saint.

10: Tissues
Lots and lots of tissues, because there will be tears. Probably yours. (see all the above)

Good luck.
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