Friday, 7 November 2014

The Wrong Pair of Tights ...

At 8.15 in the morning this week I had a phone call from The Teen's school.

Your daughter, said a cheerful lady called Jane, is wearing The Wrong Pair of Tights. Can you bring her, she added, a pair of the right tights?

I'm not a morning person I admit. It takes me at least two Peppa Pigs and a large cup of scaldingly hot tea before I can communicate with anybody in more than grunts, but I agreed to attend forthwith with The Right Pair of Tights. 

But, amidst my confusion, I lied. It was 8.15. I don't drive. The Teen's school was more than a mile away. The Boy was partially dressed, covered in toast crumbs and there was one more Peppa Pig to watch before he had to be taken in the opposite direction and I could even consider rescuing The Teen with a pair of the right tights......

So I panicked and I fluffed and I flaffed and I bungled around trying to find the Right Pair of Tights. And then I paused. And then I thought: Hang on, what do they mean? The wrong pair of tights?

I've written before, here and here and here, about uniform policy at The Teen's school. It doesn't, in summation, make me happy whilst I fully understand the need for it, Particularly in a school as big as The Teen's which has over 2,000 pupils.

I understand just one pupil wearing The Wrong Pair of Tights could lead to another pupil wearing The Wrong Pair of Tights and then another. And then another, and soon it could become an organisation. Then, what if 50 pupils turn up in The Wrong Pair of Tights? Fifty pupils. Then, my friend, they may think it a movement.*

So I worried.

I worried just exactly what were The Wrong Pair of Tights like. They clearly were not the regulation black 40 denier as required, The Teen was stopped by Uniform Patrol before she got through the school gates. Banished to the Student Information Desk to ask for emergency regulation tights (they had none), she was then sent to a room to await my triumphant arrival with The Right Pair of Tights.

My triumphant arrival was, as we are all now aware, destined to be belated. This occurred to the school around about the same time as The Teen had missed all but the very end of her first lesson (maths). She was released back into the school community, still sporting her dangerously volatile tights.

Meanwhile The Man and I had eventually ridden to the rescue (in a three and a half tonne truck) and with not one, but two pairs of the Right Kind of Tights, just in case. We talked to the receptionist and then we talked to Cheerful Jane (remember Cheerful Jane?) and then we talked to someone else who may or may not have been a teacher but wore a suit, was very avuncular, totally understanding and clearly had no idea who our daughter was at all.

They were all, though, in absolute agreement that she was most definitely in The Wrong Pair of Tights.

Of course I had to ask what exactly made those tights The Wrong Pair of Tights......

Reconstruction: The Teen wearing The Wrong Pair of Tights ....

The wrong pair of tights

Okay they're 60 denier and not the regulation 40 but wait...

.. the tights had a 40 denier panel that was exposed as she walked, albeit both briefly and hardly at all

The Teen had in her morning befuddled, probably-stayed-up-all-night-playing-Minecraft-on-her-phone-even-though-she-claims-she-doesn't state picked up a pair of her 18 year old sister's tights, complete with ladder, and put them on oblivious.


She remained oblivious until it was pointed out to her at the school gate which was also when she simultaneously realised why her tights felt a bit more roomy than usual.

Despite our rescue mission, The Teen spent four hours attending classes wearing The Wrong Pair of Tights before The Right Pair of Tights reached her and not one person, member of staff or fellow pupil, noticed at all. I suspect she pulled them up a bit.

But at least an incipient tights based rebellion was quelled. Though The Teen, who has only been a teen for the past two months, is still wondering what all the fuss was about. And me, I've hidden the TeenTwin's collection of fishnets.

*With apologies to Arlo Guthrie

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