Thursday, 4 December 2014

The Secret To Being (Almost) Wrinkle-Free at 50 ... Probably

Friends often ask me how I remain relatively wrinkle free as I embark on my fifth decade.

Oh, alright then. One friend once asked me. And yes, there was subdued lighting and she was quite possibly delusionally drunk, but still, it counts.

As do the many times that other people have said: "Oooh, you don't look it" upon discovering I am virtually a dinosaur. And yes, they might just be saying that because of the murderous look in my eye and the large stick I happen to be casually twirling at the time. But still, It counts.

Obviously I have wisdom to impart which will be a boon to women everywhere. so here are my top tips to maintaining a youthful complexion as you enter your 50s,...

1: Drink. A lot.
    Some so-called health professionals recommend drinking eight glasses of water a day, but I say does it really have to be water? And why stop at just eight glasses? Wine is as wet as water and tastes much, much nicer. As do gin and vodka, both of which can be happily mixed with tonic water thereby doubling the health benefits. Probably. It's called tonic for a reason, right?

2: Eat Healthily.
    And by healthily I mean: what you want, when you want.

3: Learn to Smoke.
    Have you ever seen a wrinkled kipper? No, you haven't. There are benefits to smoking that the health professionals will never tell  you. Stress is a major cause of furrowed brows, but the ability to step outside at times of emotional extremis and take a good, deep lungful of smoke can not only save your sanity but also your skin. And probably the skin of whoever wound you up in the first place too. Which is good.

4: Home Exfoliation.
    Why waste money on expensive beauty treatments when you can get the benefits in your own home? A man's beard stubble can achieve much the same results without the expense and with more thrills (hopefully) than you'd ever get on a beautician's couch.

5: Do Not Give A F ..
    Forget your age. It doesn't matter. Your experience does.  If you've been doing it right, you should have a big smile on your face by now and if you are going to have wrinkles, laughter lines are definitely the best ones to have.

Oh, and most importantly....

6: Use Photoshop.
    Or PicMonkey.. or Instagram... or any photo-editing software that you can find each and every time you post a photo on social media. Because you're 50 right. You're never leaving the house again and all people will ever see of you for evermore will be carefully edited photos on your Facebook feed.


Not that I ever do that. Obviously *cough*

Me. Probably.

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