Friday, 6 February 2015

Advice to Hopeful Suitors...

Valentine's Day used to be a quirky little saint's day when the single and the shy picked up the courage to declare their innermost feelings to the object of their devotion. Anonymously, of course. Some of them got lucky in love. Many, many others did not.

But like Christmas that now begins in September and ends on December 25th, Valentine's Day has changed. It is no longer for aspiring lovers, but for all people in love. And not just for people in love but even, get this, married people. The spirit of St Valentine has been massacred (again), knifed in the back by big business in a ceaseless search not for love, but money.


But in a spirit of hopefulness and a blatant disregard of the facts only a 50 year old, married mother of four can have, I offer some advice to any potential suitor preparing to plight me his troth on February 14th.

* You can bring me flowers.... but not yellow flowers. I don't like yellow flowers, except for dwarf sunflowers and then I want a field full, a summer dress, a straw hat and a picnic basket as well. Don't bring red roses because EVERYBODY does red roses. Petrol station bouquets, self-picked posies, single stems of anything, and something in a plant pot doesn't count either.

Other than that, I'm not fussy.

* Do not bring me chocolates, I do not do chocolate, unless it's a full moon. A box of Charbonnel et Walker Cremes Parisienne on the other hand ......

Yes... Yes,,,, YES!

* If you wish to express your devotion through poetry or song do not expect me to listen raptly while you do. There's washing up to be done. Probably. I hope.

* If you are dedicating a song on the radio/ putting a notice in the newspaper/ making any kind of public declaration:. Please make sure that I am completely, totally and absolutely unidentifiable in any, all and every single way.

* You can bring me wine. In fact, the more wine the better. Not red wine, even if it is Valentine's when everything, anything, and the dog next door has to be red. I like my wine white and my gin, pink. You could also bring me some of that. If you liked.

* All other gifts should, like the wine, be white and sparkling and definitely not 50 shades of grey.

* Cuddly toys are acceptable.


1 comment :

  1. Agree with the red roses - it shows a distinct lack of imagination that should be stamped out at all costs. Can't agree on the red wine - it has health benefits (allegedly) and is, well, just essential...

    *makes note to try Cremes Parisienne*


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