Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Teenage Proof Your Bathroom.

There's lots of safety advice and guidance on baby and child proofing your bathroom online, but absolutely none at all on how to teenage proof that smallest of rooms yet it's a vitally important step to take. For the safety of your own sanity if nothing else.

Teenagers and bathrooms go together like monsters and swamps, which is presumably why they can't spend anytime in there without leaving towels squelching underfoot and Louisiana levels of humidity when they, eventually, emerge.

So, here's a few pointers on how to protect your bathroom from the dangers of teenagers ...

1: Install a window lock, one that keeps the window open at all times. Not only will it help your bathroom to breathe during times of teenage-induced humidity, but give you a fighting chance if you inadvertently enter the room without the traditional Giving It  A Couple of Minutes after the teenager's exit.

2: Install a lock on the bathroom cabinet, Store all your expensive soaps, shampoos, perfumes, oils, unguents and potions in the cabinet. Carry the key about your person at all times so there is absolutely no danger of the Teenagers using all your expensive soaps, shampoos etc

3: The dangers of razors have been well documented. It's best to keep them out of sight too or they'll be blunt, rusty and choked with soft down before you can do anything to save them.

4: Apply a layer of Anti-Spot Splatter Film to all mirrored surfaces.*
What the loo roll holder looks
 like every single day

5: Never leave a pair of tweezers unattended.

6: Remove the loo roll holder. There really is no point to it.

7: Keep a rod handy to fish the toilet roll out of the loo for when it falls off the cistern, repeatedly.

8: Buy enough loo roll to supply the population of France. Every week.

9: Invest in a washing basket with Tardis specifications.

10: Do not invest in white towels.

11: Or white tiles

12: Or walls

13: Or floors

14: That stylishly sleek and modern white bathroom suite? Rip it out. Replace with something that will camouflage the inevitable rash of hair dye related incidents. I suggest avocado with hints of orange.

15: Never inspect your grout (see above).

16: Keep weapons grade supplies of sink and drain unblocker on hand. At. All. Times.

17: Never wear socks to go into your bathroom if you want to come out with dry socks.

18: Remove your bathroom door lock. This is essential if you ever expect to be able to use your own bathroom ever again. Nothing encourages fast transit than the incipient danger of being disturbed.

Or, and this is my favourite option:

19: Decide to install your own en-suite.

20: Buy a huge padlock for the door.

Finally, a teenage-free zone

*Goes off to invent Anti-Spot Splatter Film™

This is my entry for the Bella Bathrooms/ Britmums competition to win a ticket to Britmums 2015 

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