Tuesday, 9 February 2016

How to Keep a Child Safe Online

Today is Safer Internet Day, a day when the world joins together to celebrate and promote the responsible, positive and safe use of the internet by children and young people. Which is a good thing.

Forget the 30 and 20-somethings glued to their screens in a darkened bedroom dressed in their pants 24 hours a day surrounded by three weeks worth of empty Pot Noodle cartons. They are beyond help. But we can, and we should, make the internet a safer place for the next generation.

And it just so happens I have some handy hints for anyone who is worried about the effect of today's rapidly developing technology on the young minds in their charge. Here is ...

The Definitive Guide to How to Keep a Child Safe on the Internet

1: Don't let them near that shit.

    There is absolutely no reason at all why anybody under the age of ten should be anywhere near the internet at all and particularly not on their own. Children notoriously have no discrimination, or taste. Witness the popularity of the Fimbles.

2: As they get older, children will insist that they need to access the internet to do their homework. They don't.

   There are books (which probably contain more accurate information than can be found on the internet anyway). And there are libraries to get the books from. At least there would be if Cameron didn't keep shutting them down :/

         If you have to succumb and they stop believing that the broadband has to be hand cranked for three hours before establishing a connection. Remember to....

3: Enroll your child into all and any social network they express an interest in joining

4: Don't tell them the password.

5: Friend them.

6: Post as many embarrassing photos of said child as possible. Tag them.

7: Post many, many memes about a mother's love as possible every day (about five). Tag them. 

8: Jollily comment on every status they dare put. Call them darling. A lot.

9: Do not express any surprise when they want to shut their account.


10: Police them. Constantly.

      Leap out at them at all times when they're accessing the internet. From behind a curtain. Out of the wardrobe. From under the bed. It matters not. Don't be afraid to utilise the element of surprise to destabilise the potential of excessive internet exploration.  
      (Uniform, optional).

Good luck.

Stay safe.

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